Bankrupt Britain

Getting the feeling that the real reason Gordon Brown lost the plot with Gillian Duffy was about her questioning him on the economy. She asked him ”how you gonna pay that back then Gordon?” and like a judgemental mother who finds her son’s credit card bill with a scolding tone she lit Gordon’s lemon because he hasn’t got a fucking clue how he’s going to payback the £51bn he’s spent like a sailor on shore leave. We think Greece has problems; at least they have Feta Cheese, Olives and Tourism we have no discernable national product apart from over-priced mock Tudor houses in Kent and in reality I can’t see how we can export those.

So here’s the real essence of today’s blog: creative ideas required to pay back this £51 billion. Even if we organise a huge European cake sale where everyone in this country sells 6 cakes each to our European friends and meets the cost of transporting these cakes across Europe out of our own pocket, we’d only raise about £100 million. So we need some broad brush strokes, a real blue sky fire sale of our most tangible assets. My proposal is we sell the entire royal family as a going concern; the lesser ones obviously get made redundant with immediate effect. We create a royal family that can represent the values of a particular brand ie ‘The Windows 7 Royal Family’, where we get Prince Philip to appear in the ads giving us tips on how to lock down our computer from the corgis and the Queen is forced to enthuse about the benefits of remote access. We sell Buckingham Palace and turn it into plush apartments for some Dubai investment group along with any other real estate such as Kensington Palace, Blenheim: all of them go up for sale. The benefit of selling them off all in one go is the hope when we get back on our feet again we can buy them back and let’s be honest it’s still better than my original plan of execute them all starting with the one with the lowest votes on a sort of ‘I’m a Member of the Royal Family Get Me Out of Here’ type show.
The we offer up the naming rights to Great Britain: let’s be honest it has huge marketing potential as a brand, I like the idea of living on ‘Mario Monkey Island 3’ or ‘Great Red Bull Britain’, ‘Magners UK’ etc. etc. Think of your own one.
I estimate that these measures would raise about £31bn in total including us selling 6 fairy cakes. Right what else have we got? Let’s get rid of Scotland: nobody would miss that and we could offer to cut if off and float it somewhere else, preferably with all the Westminster politicians on it: that would mean we could say it’s full of fucking dinosaurs and market it as the ‘Jurassic Peaks’ or something. That would probably raise about £20 million.

So looking at this logically, the only way to get out of paying this back is starting a proper World War and then invading much a bigger country with something to sell, mm sounds familiar. That or we can sit back, while these idiots cut health provision, education, public services, arts and culture funding and roads, whilst claiming back for every fucking Mars bar they buy, whilst thinking up each shit idea and treating us with just enough contempt not to tell us what they are going to do to repay the debt and then calling us pricks as they walk away.
We are doomed.