Bankrupt Britain

Getting the feeling that the real reason Gordon Brown lost the plot with Gillian Duffy was about her questioning him on the economy. She asked him ”how you gonna pay that back then Gordon?” and like a judgemental mother who finds her son’s credit card bill with a scolding tone she lit Gordon’s lemon because he hasn’t got a fucking clue how he’s going to payback the £51bn he’s spent like a sailor on shore leave. We think Greece has problems; at least they have Feta Cheese, Olives and Tourism we have no discernable national product apart from over-priced mock Tudor houses in Kent and in reality I can’t see how we can export those.

So here’s the real essence of today’s blog: creative ideas required to pay back this £51 billion. Even if we organise a huge European cake sale where everyone in this country sells 6 cakes each to our European friends and meets the cost of transporting these cakes across Europe out of our own pocket, we’d only raise about £100 million. So we need some broad brush strokes, a real blue sky fire sale of our most tangible assets. My proposal is we sell the entire royal family as a going concern; the lesser ones obviously get made redundant with immediate effect. We create a royal family that can represent the values of a particular brand ie ‘The Windows 7 Royal Family’, where we get Prince Philip to appear in the ads giving us tips on how to lock down our computer from the corgis and the Queen is forced to enthuse about the benefits of remote access. We sell Buckingham Palace and turn it into plush apartments for some Dubai investment group along with any other real estate such as Kensington Palace, Blenheim: all of them go up for sale. The benefit of selling them off all in one go is the hope when we get back on our feet again we can buy them back and let’s be honest it’s still better than my original plan of execute them all starting with the one with the lowest votes on a sort of ‘I’m a Member of the Royal Family Get Me Out of Here’ type show.
The we offer up the naming rights to Great Britain: let’s be honest it has huge marketing potential as a brand, I like the idea of living on ‘Mario Monkey Island 3’ or ‘Great Red Bull Britain’, ‘Magners UK’ etc. etc. Think of your own one.
I estimate that these measures would raise about £31bn in total including us selling 6 fairy cakes. Right what else have we got? Let’s get rid of Scotland: nobody would miss that and we could offer to cut if off and float it somewhere else, preferably with all the Westminster politicians on it: that would mean we could say it’s full of fucking dinosaurs and market it as the ‘Jurassic Peaks’ or something. That would probably raise about £20 million.

So looking at this logically, the only way to get out of paying this back is starting a proper World War and then invading much a bigger country with something to sell, mm sounds familiar. That or we can sit back, while these idiots cut health provision, education, public services, arts and culture funding and roads, whilst claiming back for every fucking Mars bar they buy, whilst thinking up each shit idea and treating us with just enough contempt not to tell us what they are going to do to repay the debt and then calling us pricks as they walk away.
We are doomed.

Election Blues

So tonight is the first televised debate amongst leaders of the main parties: have you decided who you are voting for yet? I know I’ve already decided that this is the most insipid and uninspired election ever: there is simply no choice available. It’s like choosing between, Diet Coke, Pepsi Max and coke zero, everything is the same flim flam knee-jerk reaction and dumbed down red top following bollocks. Our country now has the largest debt since the end of the Second World War and no national manufacturing output to resolve that. Our reliance on the banking sector and self obsession with the housing market and investment in property has rendered us nationally impotent to repay this debt without massive public sacrifice, yet every party seems to think we can trundle along like before without revealing the true depth of cuts in spending required to balance the books. Yesterday was a prime example of blocks electioneering where the issue of the day became a padded bra bikini sold in Primark highlighting the sexualisation of children? Really, I expected David Cameron to say down with padded bra, Nick Clegg to uplift the middle ground of wonder bras and Gordon Brown to once again support the minors.
What I want is someone to explain exactly how we are going to repay this massive debt without a national domestic product? Where the fuck are we going to get the money and exactly where are the cuts going to be made? Can we not have an adult choice between the main parties on this, someone to sit down and say right, bollocks to the arts, roads and scientific research, or a second choice to say bollocks to the war, national security and education or finally bollocks to the National Health Service and funding for blind people? Yes none of these are particularly appealing however they are all necessary to proceed forward and pay off a debt and I want detailed plans on how this can be achieved.
But what are we getting? Four step manifesto plans of marketing fuckety speak to hardwire fairness into British Society, I don’t give a fuck about fairness at this point, we are at crisis point, shortly money will seriously run out for nearly all public services and the only way to address this is a significant rise in taxation and I want to know that the people in charge are capable of delivering the best deal for us, not the incompetent childish nonsense of band wagon jumping. Yes society currently has a wide range of issue to address within in itself, but fundamentally we can’t do anything if we are effectively bankrupt as a civilisation.
I want to be treated with some intelligence I want to know the detail of plans, the reason we aren’t getting any detail, is they haven’t got a clue, they seriously don’t know what they are doing or how to put it right, they are stuck in a Westminster bubble unable to formulate anything resembling a good idea because on the whole the majority are personal failures who could only get jobs as politicians and they aren’t the doers of society we require to deliver results, we are fucking doomed.