So there’s a Big P’s opening in my neighbourhood, this is a liberty. Of course I have no idea what a Big P’s is, is just an empty shop in Southbourne with some strategically placed A3 black and white posters on the inside of the windows. What I can say is they are obviously trying to appeal to the widest demographic as possible as the posters are all at different heights. Tantalisingly there are no other clues as to what a Big P’s would be; it looks like the shop was a former laundry. So I’m thinking that it might be a return to that and the Big P is actually a clever marketing ploy to attract people with soiled sheets, extensively bed wetter’s. Southbourne is getting a little trendier and there are a few decent coffee bars, err Deli Rocks, Costa and the other two over the road, but I don’t believe anyone would call a coffee bar Big P’s unless they were serving huge isotonic drinks that would require you to take an immediate giant piss. There are an amazing amount of food outlets however, setting up a take away with the premise of selling just large portions of peas would surely require the intervention of a psychiatrist. Nobody likes Peas enough to just have peas, although you could have mushy peas, normal peas and what I call sexy peas (peas with fried chilli and lemon juice) but you would want something else to go with them and in all honesty you’d probably be expecting bigger than average Peas to be served and how could you sustain such a thing, can you buy massive peas. It might be a pea smoothie shop, but saying you drank Pea wouldn’t go down very well, can you make Pea Ice Cream? I might try that later. It might be a hairdressers, famously in Southbourne we already have a Tattoo/ hairdresser/coffee shop where, and I shit you not, Michael the Pirate (he has one eye covered with a patch) can either write the lyrics of S Club on your arse forever or give you a number 2 all over. Actually there’s a huge poster advertising the recent defection of Michael the Pirate of another Salon in the health centre. I’m assuming then his unique idea of a one stop shop for the Hell’s Angel requiring a beard trim, head shave and additional pirate tattoo and a Cafe latte (world’s smallest Venn diagram of intersecting interests) has surprisingly failed as I think the shop was call Michael the Pirate. Amazingly I did have my hair cut there once and he cut it too short, probably because he couldn’t judge distances, during this time two old age pensioners were having a cup of tea, there’s was no parrot and no evidence of recent tattooing and let’s be honest it’s a brave man who would walk into a one eyed part timed tattooist parlour and ask Michael the Pirate to give them something that lasts forever. I doubt that Big P’s will be a sex shop as the name these days are slightly more appealing to the women(Love chamber, Fanny Blister) although some ventured the phrase Come in peas yesterday as a suggestion, which is a terrible name for a non pea fetish sex shop and probably the worst name for a potential take away. I will keep you posted on developments. Nice to see you all still paying attention.
Bye Big T not to be confused with Big P
